


Scenes from the Normandy SR-1

by guciroxie



Series: The Adventures of Roxie Shepard [1]
Category: Mass Effect Trilogy
Genre: Character Study, F/M, Mass Effect 1, Slow Burn, mass effect but what if they were all friends, the only major character deaths are the canon ones, vaguely canon compliant
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-11-16
Updated: 2021-02-19
Packaged: 2021-03-10 01:47:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 4
Words: 19,170
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27595688
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/guciroxie/pseuds/guciroxie
Summary: Moments shared between the crew of the Normandy as they hunt down Saren and become a family.Or, we know that the ground crew all bonds, but we don't get to see any of it, here's my idea of what might have happened.
Relationships: Female Shepard & Ashley Williams, Female Shepard & Garrus Vakarian, Female Shepard & Liara T'Soni, Female Shepard & Tali'Zorah nar Rayya, Female Shepard & Urdnot Wrex, Jeff "Joker" Moreau/Female Shepard, Kaidan Alenko & Female Shepard, Karin Chakwas & Female Shepard, one-sided Kaiden Alenko/Female Shepard
Series: The Adventures of Roxie Shepard [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2017391
Kudos: 5





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I tagged this slow burn, but y'all have to know that I mean SLOW. This is my love letter to the characters of the Mass Effect series.

Tying her deep red hair into a loose bun on the back of her head, she stared into the mirror for just a second longer than she needed to. She could hear all the muttering throughout the crew, all the wondering at why on earth a Spectre would be joining them on a shakedown run. And while as XO she couldn’t vocally agree with their concerns, internally she knew they were right. There was something more at play here, something that Captain Anderson wasn’t telling her.

She shook her head quickly, banishing the paranoia that seems to creep up on her all the time now. She hasn’t been great at trusting people in positions of authority for a very long time, but Captain David Anderson has always been… well, not kind, but caring. And trustworthy. She just had to wait, she was sure Anderson would tell her the truth the moment it became necessary for her to know it.

Glancing at her omni tool, she noticed the time. They should be pulling up towards Eden Prime any minute now, and she should really go check on their pilot. They haven’t officially met yet, but she heard a bit about him from Anderson, and she couldn’t help but feel like she was going to get along great with someone who was willing to steal the most advanced ship in the Alliance just to prove he could fly it.

She pushed through the bridge on her way to the cockpit and walked in just as the pilot was talking to another man. 

“I just jumped us halfway across the galaxy and hit a target the size of a pinhead. So that’s incredible!” Shepard raised one eyebrow slightly, but otherwise maintained a straight face in spite of the grin threatening to slip out. “Besides, Spectres are trouble. I don’t like having him on board. Call me paranoid.”

“You’re paranoid.” Came the other man. Shepard looked over at him and was able to identify him as Staff Lieutenant Kaiden Alenko based on the picture on the cover of his file, but she didn’t know any more than that. She preferred to learn about her crew from them rather than what someone else wrote. “The council helped fund this project. They have a right to send someone to keep an eye on their investment.” Ahh, Shepard noted, a company man.

“Yeah, that is the official story. But only an idiot believes the official story.” Shepard was right. She is going to get along with the pilot well, she prefers having people around her who can think for themselves.

She had to make her presence known now, any longer standing still in the background and she’d get a reputation as creepy. “They don’t send Spectres on shakedown runs.” She announced, as close as she was comfortable getting in agreeing with the crew about not knowing everything.

Joker startled slightly at Shepard’s voice, but recovered quickly putting to words the exact point that the commander did not allow herself to say aloud, “So there’s more going on here that the captain’s letting on.”

And speak of the devil, “Joker! Status report.” Came Anderson’s voice through the comm. Hearing his voice made her both stiffen and relax in a way only the comfort of military hierarchy could.

“Just cleared the mass relay, Captain. Stealth systems engaged. Everything looks solid.” Even when speaking professionally there was a tone in the pilot’s voice that Shepard immediately identified as arrogance and petulance in equal measure. This is a man who lives for a challenge. That’s something she’ll have to keep in mind.

“Good.” Anderson continued, “Find a comm buoy and link us into the network. I want mission reports relayed back to Alliance brass before we reach Eden Prime.”

“Aye, aye, Captain. Better brace yourself, sir. I think Nihlus is headed your way.” Shepard barely managed to hold in an eye roll. He’s on comms, he’s going to be overheard - 

“He’s already here, Lieutenant.” Alenko chuckled softly, as Moreau shook his head. “Tell Commander Shepard to meet me in the comm room for a debriefing.” 

“You get that, Commander?” Joker asked in lieu of repeating the exact phrase she clearly just heard. She appreciated that; it’s the small things.

“He sounds angry.” Shepard said, “Either something has gone wrong on the mission, or you annoyed him and now I get to deal with it.” 

Joker choked out a surprised laugh at the tease. “Pff.” He responded as Shepard started to walk away, “Captain always sounds like that when he’s talking to me.”

Shepard couldn’t help but respond with a parting shot, “I can’t possibly imagine why.” And she walked out of the cockpit and away from two men surprised that the famous Commander Shepard apparently had a sense of humor. 

\---

Shepard walked back through the CIC on her way to the comm room, hoping that now was when she’d get to learn the big secret. 

As she passed him, she could hear the chief navigator Something Pressly arguing over comms with the engineer… Adams? Shepard prided herself on knowing the names of her crew, but they just boarded and she couldn’t possibly know all of their names by heart just yet… no matter how much she wished she did.

The topic of the argument grabbed her attention. They, like most of the crew, were discussing the likelihood of something more going on here. Commander Shepard knew she needed to continue on her way to meet the captain, but she couldn’t help but try to get the opinions of her crew, and see what they might know.

She listened to Pressly state his theories and concerns, and tried to respond as diplomatically as possible. Fortunately, pretending she knew more than she does is a skill she developed very early on in her life, and it continued to be useful here. 

Breaking away from him she continued on her journey, not making it very far at all before overhearing another conversation, this one sounding more promising as a source of information.

“I grew up on Eden Prime, Doc. It’s not the kind of place Spectres visit. There’s something Nihlus isn’t telling us about this mission.” 

“That’s crazy. The captain’s in charge here. He wouldn’t take orders from a Spectre.” That must have been the ‘Doc’, Dr. Chakwas if she’s not mistaken. She must have known Anderson personally to know exactly how poorly he would handle being forced to take orders from someone outside the Alliance, he tended to put up a good front around those who didn't know him well.

“Not his choice, Doc.” Ahh, see there’s someone who didn’t really know Captain Anderson at all. “Spectres don’t answer to anyone. They can do whatever they want. Kill anyone who gets in their way.” The young man sounded almost excited about that, Shepard noted with distaste. That’s the kind of attitude and hotheadedness that gets good soldiers killed. 

“Ha. You watch too many spy vids, Jenkins.” So that’s who the younger guy was. Corporal Richard Jenkins. He’s exuberant, ready for action. The doctor though, she’s fascinating. Her words seemed straightforward, almost naïve, but there's a hint of knowledge underneath them. Shepard could already tell that Chakwas is a lot like her, she reads people quickly and then is able to give them what they want to hear in order to get more information. 

Shepard has never trusted anyone faster than she does this older woman. And they haven’t even really spoken yet. She moved forward to correct that and was immediately brought into the conversation by Jenkins, who offered her a salute as he was already talking. Definitely energetic. She’ll have to keep an eye on him.

“What do you think, Commander? We won’t be staying on Eden Prime too long, will we? I’m itching for some real action!”

“I sincerely hope you’re kidding, Corporal.” The doctor responded, taking the words right out of Shepard’s mouth. “Your ‘real action’ usually ends with me patching up crew members in the infirmary.”

Shepard agreed with Chakwas, and told them so, “You need to calm down, Corporal. A good soldier stays cool, even under fire.” It was a lesson she had to learn the hard way, she sincerely hoped that Jenkins will internalize it now.

“Sorry Commander.” Jenkins replied immediately, sounding not the least bit sorry, “But this waiting’s killing me. I’ve never been on a mission like this before. Not one with a Spectre on board.”

Shepard shook her head. Not a great mindset. “Just treat this like any other assignment you’ve had and everything will work out.”

“Easy for you to say. You proved yourself in the Blitz.” Shepard tensed. Seven years later and she still didn’t feel comfortable being praised for what she did. She knew Jenkins didn’t notice, but she’d be surprised if Chakwas didn’t either. She needed to be more careful around the doctor. “Everybody knows what you can do. This is my big chance. I need to show the brass what I can do!”

Apparently Jenkins didn’t take advice well. Shepard decided to reiterate it once again, “You’re young, Corporal.” She felt like a hypocrite saying that while being only 28 herself, “You have a long career ahead of you. Don’t do something stupid to mess it up.”

“Don’t worry, ma’am. I’m not going to screw this up.”

The conversation continued, Shepard probing Jenkins' personal knowledge of their destination, and his idol worship of Spectres, before Jenkins added “Hey Commander! You’d make a good Spectre!” She raised an eyebrow in response, “You’re a war hero, right?” There she went, tensing again. “Held off an entire enemy fleet during the Blitz single-handed. That’s the kind of talent the Spectres are looking for.”

Shepard pursed her lips for a second, considering. She liked the military, she’s loyal to the Alliance, and she’s not thrilled at even the possibility of answering to someone else, no matter what perks came with it. Jenkins thought that Spectres are able to do whatever they want, but Shepard was sure she could see the truth. Too many strings attached for that to be something she would want. 

Chakwas pushed the conversation forward, and soon enough Shepard was on her way to the comm room again. 

\---

Passing by the two guards on either side of the door - which seemed like overkill to her especially for a shakedown run, but she wasn’t in charge of staffing - she finally entered the comm room only to see that Anderson wasn’t there yet.

Standing at the bottom of the room, staring at the image of Eden Prime was Nihlus. Shepard’s not entirely sure what to think of Nihlus. He’d been hovering around her since they took off, and it set her teeth on edge. She liked Turians in general, and appreciated how quickly they as a group seemed to get over the fact that Humans attacked them the moment they met, but being watched by one wasn’t a great feeling. 

She knew the basics of Turian culture, knew a bit of their military training, the structure and orderliness that is ingrained in them since youth, and she knew that as someone who grew up on the streets of Earth, doing whatever it took to survive and desperately trying to avoid growing up feral like others she saw… well, let’s just say she didn’t think Nihlus would approve of her usual methods and techniques.

The conversation they had standing in the glow of the screen certainly didn’t help improve her comfort level. He had wanted to talk to her alone, but then instead of getting to a point, he waffled around on how beautiful and safe Eden Prime was rumored to be and how humanity was ill-prepared for the truth of the galaxy. Shepard has never been one for flowery language, preferring to communicate information clearly and concisely, but she had to admit it was fascinating to watch Nihlus hint at something bigger.

She was glad when Anderson walked in, his was a known and semi-comforting presence, especially as he suggested in his usual not-a-suggestion way that they finally tell her the truth.

Nihlus started with the obvious “This mission is far more than a simple shakedown run.” and for a moment Shepard was insulted. Did he think she didn’t know that? The dust mites in the cargo bay knew this was more than a shakedown run. But she stayed polite and professional in her response.

The briefing was straightforward. An interesting enough prospect, although Shepard’s never cared much for history. She didn’t go to school, learned everything she knows through practical experience and the textbooks one of the other kids she squatted with stole from a local high school when she was a kid.

The really interesting part came later when she was told that her paranoia wasn’t unfounded, she called it by the way, and Nihlus really was observing her. 

“Guess that’s why I bump into him every time I turn around.” She said, keeping her voice casual but letting them both know that she had noticed his attention. The comment didn’t seem to phase Nihlus, but so much of Turian’s true feelings were contained in their subvocals, and Shepard couldn’t hear those anyway.

“The Alliance has been pushing for this for a long time. Humanity wants a larger role in shaping interstellar policy. We want more say with the Citadel Council. The Spectres represent the Council’s power and authority. If they accept a human into their ranks, it shows how far the Alliance has come.”

“And you want me for the position, Captain?”

“You held off an enemy assault during the Blitz single-handed.” Nihlus said, grabbing Shepard’s attention. “You showed not only courage but also incredible skill. That’s why I put your name forward as a candidate for the Spectres.”

Shepard let that sink in for a second and turned back to her CO, “I assume this is good for the Alliance.”

“Earth needs this, Shepard.” Came Anderson’s response, “We’re counting on you.”

“I need to see your skills for myself, Commander. Eden Prime will be the first of several missions together.”

Shepard nodded at the Turian. “Looking forward to it.”

Anderson briefed her with the basics of the mission until Joker cut in with an emergency transmission from Eden Prime. It looked like a helmet cam vid and from the sound of it, things were getting bad down there. This beacon must be more important that even the Alliance realized. 

Then there came this sound that made the hair on the back of Shepard’s neck stand on end. This terrible grinding sound, like a drill pushing into her ears, and that was just through the video. When the helmet swerved to show what was causing that sound, Shepard didn't know what to think.

It wasn’t like any ship she had ever seen before, it looked like a bug-like hand reaching down from the sky to grab hold of the world and crush it. It looked… Shepard shook her head quickly, scrapping her thought process before it could get anymore metaphorical and ridiculous. It’s just a ship, no matter what noise it makes.

The video turns to static and the pilot informed them that there was nothing more coming from the planet at all. Not exactly a good sign.

Anderson echoed her thoughts aloud saying “This mission just got a lot more complicated.” And just like that the plans changed, Shepard now leading a strike team of 3 while Nihlus jumps ahead and scouts for them.

Shepard took one last look at the image pulled up on the screen. The image of that ship. There’s just something about it that resonated in her chest. All of a sudden she knew, that ship was going to be trouble. And this wouldn’t be the last time she saw it.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Short chapter moving from Eden Prime to the Citadel.

Commander Roxie Shepard was no stranger to nightmares. Thinking back, she probably hasn’t gotten a full night’s sleep since she was 12 years old. And the years immediately preceding that, she only slept dreamlessly because the nightmares were contained to the daylight.

Over the years the nightmares have shifted and morphed, combining multiple traumas in the perfect amalgamation of her least favorite memories. 

But none of them have ever come close to the pure, raw, and visceral horror of the vision she woke from in the Normandy’s med bay after Eden Prime.

The vision gifted to her by the beacon ran through her veins in a way she had never felt before. It wasn’t just images and sounds, it felt more real than that. It felt almost like memory, like her flesh could feel itself being manipulated, like if she just reached out further, she would be able to fully experience the knowledge of complete and total annihilation.

There was something missing though, that she knew. She was only able to glance at the vision, like looking through a screened in window. She can see it, she can touch the screen and feel the heat on the other side, but she’s missing that final piece to be able to access all of the knowledge that vision contains. 

She came to, sitting up on the med bay bunk which was surprisingly comfortable for being a metal slab, and grabbed her head, groaning at the pounding against the inside of her skull.

“Doctor? Doctor Chakwas? I think she’s waking up.” came Kaiden’s voice from somewhere to Shepard’s right. She was so dizzy, and that pounding. Her every muscle was tense as if preparing for a fight.

The good doctor walked up in front of Commander Shepard. “You had us worried there, Shepard. How are you feeling?”

Shepard took stock of her body. Her head still hurt, but her muscles had relaxed and the room had steadied. “Minor throbbing.” She responded, pinching the bridge of her nose. “Nothing serious. How long was I out?”

“About fifteen hours.” Shepard grimaced, that was a long time to not be able to tell what was going on. “Something happened down there with the beacon, I think.”

“It’s my fault.” Kaiden said, reminding Shepard that he was in the room. “I must have triggered some kind of security field when I approached it. You had to push me out of the way.”

“Don’t blame yourself.” Came Shepard’s automatic response. Blaming oneself led to dangerous and muddied waters. “You had no way to know what would happen.” She turned back to Chakwas. “Fifteen hours is a long time, am I ok?”

“Physically you’re fine.” Shepard raised an eyebrow, noticing the qualifier and almost afraid to ask. Fortunately she didn’t have to, as Chakwas continued, “But I detected some… unusual brain activity, abnormal beta waves. I also noticed an increase in your rapid eye movement, signs typically associated with intense dreaming.”

Shepard scoffed and nodded, “More like a nightmare.” She took a breath, “I saw - I’m not sure what I saw. Death. Destruction. Nothing’s really clear.” 

She let herself get sucked back into that red hellscape of her vision for a moment, only snapped out of it by Anderson saying her name. “Shepard, I need to speak with you - in private.”

\---

After debriefing Captain Anderson, and discussing Saren, his hatred of humans, and the vision she had after engaging with the beacon, Shepard slipped out of the med bay. She was not looking forward to talking through all of this with the council; something told her they wouldn’t take kindly to a human accusing one of their agents of betrayal with their only proof being the word of a smuggler and some weird dream.

She talked briefly to Gunnery Chief Williams, welcoming her on board warmly and making a mental note to stop and talk to her about what had happened on Eden Prime. She checked in with Chakwas, and Lieutenant Alenko about Jenkins and how he’ll be missed, and then she headed up to the bridge to follow orders and tell the pilot to dock aboard the Citadel.

She didn’t have to say anything though, as Joker heard her coming and started talking before she had a chance. “Good timing, Commander. I was just about to bring us into the Citadel. See that taxpayer money at work.”

Alenko and Williams joined them in the cockpit, making jokes as they passed the Destiny Ascension and docked at Alliance Tower. The Alliance was still new to galactic space, but the Citadel had issued them a docking bay tower attached to Citadel Security headquarters way back after the First Contact War ended. 

Shepard was never sure whether that was a good thing, or if they had just wanted to keep their possible enemies as close as possible.

They pulled in and Joker started keying in the docking information, preparing the ship to idle.   
“Smooth parking.” Ash said, to which Joker just grunted in affirmation.

Shepard turned to her crewmates. “Alright. We survived Eden Prime and fights with the Geth. But now we have to face an even more daunting foe.” She met the gaze of Williams and Alenko in turn. They’re faces were passive, with just a hint of confusion. “Politicians.”

\---

Standing in the airlock, watching the decontamination light pass over her, Shepard let herself consider everything that just happened. Gaining three new crew members and having her CO quietly retired right before her eyes. And that’s not even considering the shadow broker and whatever was going on with Fist.

Oh, and she’s a Spectre now, and technically no longer a part of the Alliance. That one’s going to take some getting used to.

She’s flattered, of course. And she knew how important it was for the progress of humanity that one of her own was recognized that way, but the concept of unhindered power is… she didn’t want to use the word repugnant, but it’s certainly what she was feeling.

All she could do was use the new position to try to do some good in the world, and if that includes taking out the asshole who spoke to her like she was a crazy child during his hearing… well, she’s more than happy to oblige.

And she has some more help now. She’s never worked alongside non-humans this closely before, and she has to admit the prospect is a little daunting and extremely exciting. She was 2 years old when the First Contact War started, and 17 when she left Earth for the first time, so the only things she knew about these other species were what the Alliance had thought important for her to know. And as someone who prioritized first person accounts, well, she was looking forward to finding out what was true and what was propaganda.

The decontamination procedures ended and Shepard walked onto the bridge. Joker got her attention right away.

“I heard what happened to Captain Anderson.” Surprising, considering it just happened. Shepard wondered if he made a habit of listening in to the comms. He’d probably be a good person to learn scuttlebutt from. “Survives a hundred battles, and then gets taken down by back room politics.” Shepard nodded. “Just watch your back, Commander. Things go bad on this mission, you’re next on their chopping block.”

She bit the inside of her cheek. “This feels wrong. Captain Anderson should be the one in charge. It’s like I’m stealing the ship from him.” She wasn’t usually so open with her thoughts with someone she just met. There must be something about Joker that made her feel comfortable talking openly.

“Yeah the Captain got screwed.” Shepard respected that, she respected the man who wouldn’t let military regulations keep him from speaking his mind. “But it’s not like you could have stopped it. Nobody’s blaming you.” She rubbed the back of her neck, smiling slightly as he continued. “Everyone on this ship is behind you, Commander. One hundred percent.”

She let that sink in for a moment. This is far from the first time she’s been in command, but she treats every time like it’s the first. Having people place their faith in her is a heavy burden and she hopes she can serve them well and keep them safe.

“Intercoms open.” Joker adds, “If you’ve got anything you want to say to the crew, now’s the time.”

She considers it, and determines a passionate war cry is exactly the right mood to start off this mission. She leans down and presses the talk button. “This is Commander Shepard speaking. We have our orders: find Saren before he finds the Conduit. I won’t lie to you, crew. This mission isn’t going to be easy.” She takes a breath, letting that sink in for a moment. She considers the introduction of other races to the crew of the ship and continues, “For too long our species has stood apart from the others. Now it’s time for us to step up and do our part for the rest of the galaxy! Time to show them what humans are made of!

“Our Enemy knows we’re coming. When we go into the Traverse, Saren’s followers will be waiting for us. But we’ll be ready for them too.” She straightens her posture and tries to put professionalism and confidence in equal measure into the tone of her voice. “Humanity needs to do this. Not just for our own sake, but for the sake of every other species in Citadel Space. Saren must be stopped, and I promise you all…” She pauses for dramatic effect purposefully, “we will stop him!”

She hits the end transmission button and lets out her breath. Joker turns to look at her, “Well said, Commander. Captain would be proud.” She wonders briefly how well the pilot knows Anderson before responding. 

“The captain gave up everything so I could have this chance. We can’t fail.” She let the unspoken him that finished her thought linger in the air and wondered if she was really doing this for the good of the galaxy, or if it was because the man who had looked out for her for so long asked her to. 

She walked away purposefully, catching Joker’s response of “Yes ma’am” as she told Navigator Pressly to plot a course to Therum and moved to her cabin to begin what she could only imagine was a ton of paperwork transitioning the command of the vessel to her and promoting Pressly to XO.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm brushing past a lot of the canon conversations that are plot heavy. I'm assuming you've played/watched the games and I don't want to bore anyone. Next chapter is conversation heavy starting to build these relationships!


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shepard starts getting to know her new team on the way to Therum.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, I'm posting as I write this, so sorry about delays in updates! I am also without a beta, so all mistakes are mine. That said, if you'd be interested in beta-ing this for me, let me know! I'd be happy for the help. Enjoy the update!

Commander Roxie Shepard has always known the importance of forming lasting and meaningful bonds with one’s crew. These were the people who would be beside you come hell or high water, and in order to make it out of skirmishes unscathed, you have to trust the people around you. Shepard has had plenty of commanding officers over her tenure in the Alliance Navy who did not do the same, and she always told herself that if she got a command, she’d take care of her people not just in the field, but on the ship too. 

That’s the thought that goes through her head as she takes the elevator down to the cargo bay of the SR-1 and walks over toward her newest human crew member.

“Gunnery Chief Williams?”

Ashley turned around from her place organizing and cataloging the weapons and saluted. “Yes Ma’am?”

“At ease” Commander Shepard replied with a soft smile. “Now that we got that meeting with the council out of the way, I was hoping we could talk? I prefer to get to know my crew face to face.”

“Of course Ma’am.” Ashley tensed slightly and started going through her professional history. 

Shepard cut her off with a small smile. “I don’t need a resume, Williams”

“Right. Sorry, Commander, habit I guess. And maybe a bit of pride.”

“Deservedly so,” Shepard responded, “I’m sure you worked hard to get to your current position.”

Ashley grimaced slightly, “Yeah. My dad was real proud when I made chief; he worked his ass off trying to get recognized but never made it past Serviceman Third Class. First thing he did after I got promoted was salute.”

“Why didn’t your father move up?”

“Don’t tell me you don’t know about my family. My commanders always find out. It’s not in my files or something?”

Shepard shrugged, “Maybe, but I prefer to hear things directly from the source before I read what someone else has written.”

Ashley nodded, “I’m General Williams’ granddaughter. The commander of the Shanxi garrison in the War. ‘The only human to ever surrender to an alien race.’”

“I see, so that explains the crap assignments you keep being given. And why you drive yourself so hard.”

“‘A Williams has to be better than the best; if only to avoid suspicion.’ That’s what my dad told me the night before he retired. It takes a special kind of pigheaded to march into a job where your family’s blacklisted. I did it anyway.” 

“Ridiculous.” Shepard said dismissively. “I may not know much about family, but even I know that the actions of one member can’t predict the actions of another.”

“Thank you ma’am” Ashley responded, her voice strong and steady, and her face composed, but internally feeling very relieved. 

“Besides, as I recall, your grandfather held out for a long time. And I’ve been a CO under harsh opposition. I don’t begrudge General Williams for making the choice he did and saving a lot of his men’s lives.”

Ashley didn’t have a response to that.

“But, that’s not what I wanted to discuss with you anyway,” Shepard continued “You went through a lot back there on Eden Prime. And now you're just pushing forward, which is very commendable of you.”

“Thank you.” Ashley said hesitantly, unsure where this was heading. 

“But the problem with that is that you don’t get a whole lot of time to process everything that happened to you. It’s hard, being the last one. It’s hard, losing your teammates, and I want to make sure that you know you are allowed time to process and grieve. No one will think less of you for taking care of yourself, least of all me.”

Ashley was frozen again, stunned into silence for the second time in less than a minute and very unsure of her footing, so Shepard continued.

“I know as a woman in the military, it can be drilled into us to hide our emotions, to be even stronger than the men, to prove ourselves as worthy of respect. And from what you’ve told me, of dealing with your grandfather’s reputation, I’m sure you feel that applies to you doubly so. But I think all that is horseshit. You can’t be as great of a soldier as I know you can be without making sure your head’s on straight.

“I don’t know what that means for you, if you are the type to meditate, or read, or talk, or just get drunk and move on, but whatever you need just let me know and I’ll help you out. And if you do want to talk, go through everything, get your thoughts out of your head, then I’m here to listen. No judgments.”

Ashley thinks she might have said ‘thank you again’ but she isn’t really sure if it left her mouth or just lingered in her head.

“From what I saw back there on Eden Prime, you’re a damn fine soldier Williams. And I meant what I said, no matter what happened, it wasn’t your fault. You did what you were trained to do, you survived.”

Ashley just nodded. 

“Alright. I’ve bothered you enough. Just know, I have your back on the field and off. And if I have anything to say about it, your family history won't stop you from the great future you have ahead of you in the Alliance.” Shepard smiled at the gunnery chief, a real and kind smile. “We’re a few hours from Therum where I assume we will be shot at by all sorts of people, be ready.”

“Yes Ma’am.” Williams responded, snapped back into her professional stature by the dismissal. She snapped off a salute as the commander walked away, her gaze lingering, confused by what just happened. 

It was not what she expected of any commanding officer, but especially not this one, the hero of Elysium. All those rumors she heard of the cold and calculating commander, not to mention what she had just seen of Shepard in combat. It was like she was two completely different people. Well, it would at least keep things interesting. 

As she thought over the conversation in her head. One thing stuck out to her, something she completely overlooked in favor of its context the first time. What did Shepard mean by not knowing much about family? Ashley’s eyebrows furrowed, maybe she should look up the commander’s file. 

\---

Shepard compartmentalized that conversation and immediately walked over to the hulking figure in the shadows in the back corner of the cargo bay. She had met the occasional Krogan in the past, but had never really had a conversation with one; they tended to be taciturn and keep to themselves. And it had always seemed unwise to just walk up to one and start talking. 

But she had fought next to him on the Citadel, had seen him charge ahead, had let him fulfill his contract by taking out Fist. She felt Wrex’s eyes on her as she moved towards him and knew that he didn’t mind if she talked to him. Part of her expected to feel nervous, but that was silly. She was his CO as of a few hours ago, and when it came to the job she was always steady.

“Nice ship you got, Shepard.” Came his deep gravel laden voice as soon as she got close enough.

She smiled in response. “She’s done pretty well for us so far.”

“What can I do for you?” Shepard wondered if getting straight to the point was a Krogan thing, or if it was just Wrex. Either way, it was appreciated.

The commander shrugged casually, “Just trying to get to know my crew. What’s your story, Wrex?”

“There’s no story.” The reply came quick and sharp, not doing a good job of hiding the fact that it was an outright lie. “Go ask the quarian if you want stories.” Shepard’s eyes flicked over to the door to the engine room where she knew Tali had set up shop. 

She chose to ignore the statement, pushing at the walls surrounding her biggest crewmember. “Krogan live for centuries. Don’t tell me you haven’t had a few interesting adventures.”

“Well, there was this one time the turians almost wiped out our entire race. That was fun.” The statement jolted her a little, knocked her out of her comfort zone. But she could see the reason behind it, the clear end to the conversation that Wrex was trying to point her to. 

Of course, that would only have worked if she hadn’t been just as stubborn as him. “The Genophage.” She said solemnly. She remembered when she first learned about it. She was still on Earth, not even in the Alliance yet. 

Humans were still new to the galactic theater, but information about the races around them was trickling in at a steady rate, becoming public knowledge. She wasn’t in school, and she didn’t exactly have easy access to the news living on the street. But she had walked into a conversation between her Rabbi, the only adult to ever look after her and her band of homeless children, and one of his peers.

They were so angry. So scared. So deeply hurt by the knowledge that attempted genocides weren’t just a human trait. That even the aliens, who had seemed so far above the trivial human matters of bigotry, were affected by it. She had listened to the two adults sit and talk about what that meant, about how this knowledge colored their understanding of morality. She was still young at the time, maybe somewhere around 14, and so she didn’t fully understand all of it. But she understood enough. She had learned the history of the community she chose to belong to, she had learned about how they had been affected by genocide. She learned about the generational trauma that stems from it, that the physical, mental, and emotional pain doesn’t go away, not ever. And that was hundreds of years ago, generations upon generations had passed and still it hadn’t been forgotten, could never be forgotten.

It almost pained her to think about what it must be like for the Krogan. Living such long lives was a blessing and a curse. Their genocide was still in living memory.

There was nothing really more to say to him on the topic, nothing that wouldn’t be either too little or too much. She knew that if she ever really wanted him to know she sympathized that he would have to control the conversation. So she let him. 

“A genetic mutation. An infection that makes only a few in a thousand children survive birth.” Shepard felt her face soften but quickly stopped it before the look turned pitying. She guessed Wrex wouldn’t appreciate that. “It’s destroying my entire species.”

“I’m sorry.” She didn’t mean to say it, but societal conventions pushed it out of her before she could think.

He shrugged it off. “I don’t expect you to understand.” She didn’t; she couldn’t. 

“I apologize for bringing it up,” she hadn’t, but she could apologize anyway, “I wasn’t trying to upset you.”

“You didn’t upset me, Shepard.” The words sounded like comfort, but the tone was harsh and cold. “As for the krogan, I gave up on them long ago. The genophage infected us, but it’s not what’s killing us.”

“What do you mean?” She probed with hesitation.

“We’re too spread out. None of us are interested in staying in our own system.”

Shepard thought of the humans. “Lots of species have left their homes and prospered.”

“But they go to colonize new worlds.” Wrex argued back. “We’re not settlers. We’re warriors. We want to fight.” He took a breath. “You ask a krogan: would he rather find a cure for the genophage, expand our population, or fight for credits? He’ll choose fighting every time. It’s just who we are, Shepard. I can’t change that. Nobody can.”

Shepard furrowed her brows in concern. “That sounds pretty defeatist, Wrex. You’re an entire species of individuals, you can’t generalize like that.”

Wrex grunted. “Oh, and you know so many krogans?”

She shook her head. “No, I don’t. But I feel like I’m starting to get to know you a little bit. And you sound way too disappointed in your people to really believe that you can’t change.” He just stared at her, unmoving, and no amount of stubbornness could have kept her in that conversation. “So long, Wrex.”

She turned to walk away when she saw Garrus out of the corner of her eye and a thought struck her. She didn’t want to ask, but she knew she had no other choice.

“This is going to be an offensive question.” She stated, clearly not loving the fact that she had to push her luck so soon after making him mad for the second time in one conversation. He met her eyes and she knew he was listening. “Do I have to worry about you and Garrus working together?” She watched as he looked across the cargo bay to where the turian was becoming familiar with the Mako.

She could almost feel his thoughts moving as he considered the question. It took just enough time that she was starting to get nervous, calculating how quickly she could sprint to the table in front of Ashley and grab a pistol if his thought process turned violent. She opened her mouth to carefully say his name, but Wrex beat her to it. “No.” He said, and it was said with such finality that the pressure in Shepard’s chest lightened with relief.

She nodded, and almost reached out to touch Wrex’ forearm in a silent goodbye, but then thought better of it, choosing instead to just walk away. She could feel Wrex’ eyes linger on her as she entered the engine room, and wondered what he really thought about their conversation, before pushing the thoughts away to focus on the next crew member she needed to officially meet.

\---

Shepard spoke briefly to Engineer Adams, and immediately appreciated how you could feel the passion he had for engines in the timbre of his voice while he praised the Normandy. Shepard liked anyone who enjoyed their job, and she respected anyone who respected her ship, so she could already tell Adams was going to be a great asset to the team.

Just as Shepard was turning to go, Adams grabbed her attention again. “Hey, Commander.” Shepard turned back to face the engineer and hummed a response to let him know he had her attention. “You know that quarian? Tali? She’s been spending all her time down here asking me about our engines.”

Shepard glanced over at the newcomer, appraising her actions as she fiddled with something on an engine screen. “Do you want me to tell her to leave you alone?” She asked, not making any promises one way or another. Shepard was starting to get worried that her Alliance crew wasn’t all that thrilled about keeping aliens around. She didn’t want to have to have the ‘no racism’ talk, but she would if it became necessary.

Fortunately, Adams raised his eyebrows in surprise and responded, “What? No! She’s amazing!” Shepard let out a quiet breath. “I wish my guys were half as smart as she is. Give her a month on board and she’ll know more about our engines than I do!” He smiled, “She’s got a real knack for technology, that one. I can see why you wanted her to come along.”

Shepard nodded, “I figured she’d be a real asset to the team.”

“You’ve got an eye for talent, Commander.” Adams said as he turned back to the engine core and got back to work. Shepard just breathed out a quiet laugh and looked over at her youngest crew member appraisingly. 

Shepard thought Tali was deeply engrossed in the display in front of her, but as soon as the commander started walking over, Tali jolted to a standing posture and lightly started bouncing on her feet. “Your ship’s amazing, Shepard. I’ve never seen a drive core like this before. I can’t believe you were able to fit it into a ship this small. I’m starting to understand why you humans have been so successful. I had no idea Alliance vessels were so advanced.”

Shepard smiled at the display of youthful exuberance in front of her. It was almost contagious, and the commander felt the need to correct the misconception. Reaching out to almost pet the railing next to her, Shepard explained, “The Normandy’s special. She’s a prototype. Cutting edge technology.”

Tali bounced again. “A month ago, I was patching a makeshift fuel line into a converted tug ship in the flotilla. Now I’m sitting on board one of the most advanced vessels in Citadel space. I have to thank you again for bringing me along. Travelling on a vessel like this one is a dream come true for me.” She gazed out at the drive core, standing completely still for a moment.

Shepard broke her out of her private reflection, “I had no idea you found ship technology so interesting.”

“It comes with being a quarian,” she explained, “The Migrant Fleet is the key to the survival of my people. Ships are our most valuable resource. But we don’t have anything like this.” She shifted her weight and with it, her tone. “We make do with cast-offs and second-hand equipment. We just try to keep them running for as long as we can.” Her tone shifted again, moving from frustrated to reverent in a second. It was almost hard to keep up with. “Some of the Fleet’s larger vessels date all the way back to our original flight from the geth.”

Shepard latched onto the pride in Tali’s voice and pushed it, wanting to let her know that Shepard cared about the things she cared about, and wanted to make her feel welcome on board what must be a terrifyingly exciting new experience for her. “I can’t believe your fleet’s still using ships that are three centuries old.”

Tali jumped on the conversation, explaining excitedly, “They’re constantly being repaired, modified, and refitted. They aren’t pretty, but they work…” She hesitated for a second. “Mostly. We’ve tried to make ourselves as independent as possible on the flotilla. Grow our own food, mine and process our own fuel. But some things we just can’t make on our own. A patch to maintain the hull integrity requires raw materials we just don’t have. That’s why our Pilgrimages are so important.”

“Pilgrimage?”

Tali hummed for a second, seemingly trying to find the best way to explain. “When my people reach maturity, we leave our birth ships and seek acceptance with a new crew.”

“Why?” Shepard interrupted.

“Oh, it’s necessary to maintain genetic diversity among the fleet.” She returned to her previous thought. “But no ship wants to accept someone who will be a burden on them. So, to prove our worth, we embark on a Pilgrimage.” She swayed gently as she spoke; Shepard watched her keenly, taking in the younger woman’s mannerisms and tried to piece together a clearer view of her personality. “We set out alone, leaving the flotilla and our families behind us. We only return once we have found something of value we can bring back to the fleet. This is presented as a gift to the captain of the respective ship we wish to join. If the gift is accepted, we are welcomed into the crew.”

It sounded like an awful lot of pressure to Shepard, so she asked, “Can a captain choose to reject the gift?”

“That doesn’t happen often. Most captains are eager to increase the size of their crew. It increases their own standing in society.”

The insight into the culture of the quarians was helpful, but what really stuck out to Shepard was the use of the word ‘crew’. It made sense, she supposed, in that everyone on board her ship is her crew. But it felt like it should have been different for quarians. Their ships weren’t just where they worked. They were where they lived, where they raised families. The use of the word crew seemed so… formal, so impersonal. She couldn’t quite shake the thought, so she asked.

“Are all quarians referred to as the crew of whatever vessel they choose to live on?”

Tali tilted her head, and Shepard could almost imagine the confusion coloring her face. Or she would have been able to, had she had any clue what a quarian face looked like. “What do you mean?”

“Are they not called ‘citizens’ or something like that?”

Tali seemed to puzzle through that for a moment, which confused Separd even more. It had seemed like a fairly straightforward question.

“I believe there may be a problem with the translator.” Came the quiet mechanically-graveled reply.

“What do you mean?”

“You said the same word twice.” Her answer was clear, if slightly confused, and brokered no room for disagreement, which was interesting considering Shepard knew Tali to be factually wrong.

“I didn’t.” Shepard stated, her tone betraying interest in the topic with no malice, something that Tali must have picked up on as she dropped her hands back to her sides. Shepard hadn’t even noticed the quarian start twisting her fingers together. “The first was ‘crew’ and the second ‘citizens’.”

Tali nodded. “Yes. Those are the same word. Is there a difference in the human language?”

“Yes. In English anyway, which is the human language I speak. Crew means people who work on a vessel and citizens are a group of people who live in one place.” 

Tali was silent. “You live on the Normandy. And you work on her too. So aren’t you both of those things?”

Shepard shook her head. “I sleep on the Normandy, but technically I’m a registered citizen of Earth.”

Tali seemed to be sorting through this information as she stood entirely still. “So then, what would you call a small community subsection of a population who live together and work together all for the good of the group on a single vessel?”

Shepard hesitated. “Um. I’m not sure… A tribe, maybe?” Tali laughed. “What?”

“That’s the same word!” she answered, and Shepard joined in on the laughter, quick and hearty. When they sobered, Tali said, “I’ll reprogram my translator to use your English word for that specific Khelish one. Hopefully that will prevent any future confusion.”

Shepard put the conversation back on track, eager to learn more about this Pilgrimage. “So captains tend to accept whatever gift they are given?”

Tali nodded, “Even when a gift is not particularly valuable, the captain usually accepts it out of a sense of tradition. However, there is a stigma to presenting a substandard gift. It’s not the best way to make a good impression on a new community. Most pilgrims don’t return until they find something worthwhile.”

“So there’s no timeline? No set amount of time they send you off before getting worried?”

“No. Each person makes their own decisions about how long they stay away from the flotilla. I’ve even known people to find a suitable gift early on, yet not return until they had explored further.”

“I can’t believe they just send you off alone. Do they give you anything? Any sort of training or preparation?”

“Yes, of course!” She responded quickly, a tinge of defensiveness coloring her voice. “Before we leave we are given lessons in how to survive outside the flotilla, and gifts to help us on our journey.” Shepard nodded in an unconscious active listening response, letting Tali continue in her defense uninterrupted. “We also receive implants to fight off sickness and disease. Generations of living in an isolated and highly controlled environment have left our immune systems weaker than most” She took a deep breath, centering herself before concluding, “By the time we leave the fleet, we are well-equipped for the Pilgrimage. This is a rite of passage for all quarians. If it were dangerous, our numbers would suffer.”

“And is that how you feel? Well-equipped?”

“Of course.” Tali responded curtly. “I have an excellent understanding of suit repair and first aid, I have a substantial amount of rations and knowledge of how to acquire more when needed. And I am very well trained in both ship mechanics and combat engineering which allows me to be ready for most situations. I would think I have demonstrated enough of that for you, considering you have let me join your crew.”

“That’s not what I meant.” Shepard responded gently yet seriously. “Of course I have absolute faith in your capabilities; between what Adams has told me, and what I saw down there on the Citadel, I’m not concerned about that.” She paused. “I meant… leaving your home, leaving everything you knew, and knowing that while you will one day return to the flotilla, it won’t be to the ship of your childhood. That’s hard, I’m sure there is an emotional toll. Is there… I mean, did you prepare for that? Do you feel ready?”

“I believe so.” I was a short response, one that seemed to hold so much meaning behind it. Shepard knew if she asked, Tali would spill it all… but there must have been a reason for her to not explain, so Shepard moved on with a nod.

“Thank you. And welcome aboard, Tali.”

“Oh! No; thank you. I’m just glad to be able to help.” Shepard nodded again and turned to walk away. “There is one other thing, Commander.” Shepard turned back, hummed, and gestured for the younger woman to continue. “I don’t want to be an imposition…” She mumbled hesitantly, wringing her hands together. 

“Just ask and we’ll see if we can accommodate whatever you need.” Shepard replied, her tone formal and professional despite her trying to soften it.

“Would it be possible for me to borrow an empty room every so often?”

The commander tilted her head. “What for?”

The hand wringing grew faster and harder. “Every few rotations, my people like to take an hour or so to praise the ancestors for maintaining us. Typically on the flotilla we break from our duties in shifts for a bit of time to rest and reflect on the week past. There are prayers involved.” Her hands stilled, but her voice sped up. “I understand if it makes you uncomfortable, or if there is no place for it. We are told before we leave for pilgrimage that some people and places can’t accommodate it; I just thought I’d ask, just in case…”

Shepard held up a hand to cut off what was turning into a ramble. “Relax, Tali. I’m glad you felt that you could ask.” Tali’s whole body seemed to relax at that, bringing a smile to Shepard’s face. “And you don’t need to worry, after all, it sounds very similar to Shabbat.”

There was a pause. “That word didn’t translate,” the quarian stated, “what is Shabbat?”

“A Jewish holiday. A day of rest every week; a time to be carved out of the busy work schedule to just breathe and exist in the moment.” She gesticulated with no real purpose, “There’s more to it than that, but that’s the jist.”

Tali nodded slowly, the light from the drive core refracting on her helmet, making it so that even the glow of her eyes was obscured. “Yes, perhaps they are similar.”

“You can use my quarters. It’s the only place on board that I can guarantee you won’t be interrupted. Just give me a heads up before you come and I can get out of your way.”

Tali bounced lightly twice, and Shepard realized that even with the mask, her youngest crew member was surprisingly easy to read. “Thank you, Commander.”

“Of course. We try to be accepting of all kinds on this ship, Tali. If you ever need anything else, just ask and we’ll see what we can do.” Tali nodded once sharply.

She half pivoted back to the display before hesitating and turning back. “This Shabbat. Is this something you celebrate?”

Shepard shrugged. “In my own way. It’s easier said than done in the military, and besides Friday night services, it was pretty much impossible when I was a teenager on the streets, but I keep it in my heart and mind.”

She couldn’t know for sure, but she could feel Tali grazing her eyes over the older woman’s face. “I’d like to know more, some time when you have a spare moment or two.”

Shepard smiled unintentionally, it spreading widely in a way she hasn’t let happen in a while. “Of course. I’d like that.”

\---

Garrus saw her coming as she walked toward him from the door to the engine room. He was crouching by the wheel of the Mako, although what he was doing she couldn’t say. Once she walked back into the cargo bay and past the elevator, making her intention of speaking to him clear, he stood up to greet her.

Of course, as seemed to be the norm with her crewmates she was learning, his greeting consisted of jumping right into the conversation. 

“Thanks for bringing me on board, Commander.” He said as soon as she was close enough that it wasn’t awkward. “I knew working with a Spectre would be better than life at C-Sec.”

It took her a second to even remember what he was talking about, It had been a very long half a day on the Citadel, and to be honest, she had completely forgotten that when they met he was working as a Citadel Security agent. Glancing over him now, she realized why. He didn’t look like police, didn’t stand like police. Honestly, it was no wonder that he didn’t feel at home in that job, that he would jump at the chance to do anything else.

Instead of dwelling on that just yet, better to ramp up to the deeper conversations, she focused on what he said. “Knew? Have you worked with a Spectre before?” It would be nice if he had some experience, she was at a complete loss as to what a Spectre was supposed to be doing, and any information about other Spectres and how they act - anyone other than Nihlus or Saren, that is - would have been appreciated. 

“Well, no.” That was disappointing. “But I know what they’re like.” That could be promising… or it could just be repeating hearsay. Garrus continued, “They make their own rules. You’re free to handle things your way.” Right, same information she had, then. 

Maybe it was the past decade or so of military life preceded by homelessness, but Shepard actually liked having rules. She liked doing what she was told; she liked having a clear direction ahead of her, of knowing exactly what was expected of her and what steps she needed to take to achieve it. It was the first time in a very long time that she was left mostly up to her own devices, and she just felt… lost.

Garrus seemed to be the exact opposite, if what he was saying now was any indication. “At C-Sec, you’re buried by rules. The damn bureaucrats are always on your back.” It was an interesting issue to have as a turian. And suddenly Shepard was extremely curious about who Garrus really was.

Of course, she still couldn’t just jump to a conversation like that. They had only met earlier that day. So again, she forced herself to only respond to what he had actually said. Shrugging, she responded causally, “For the most part, the rules are there for a reason.”

“Maybe.” He responded immediately. “But sometimes it feels like the rules are only there to stop me from doing my work. If I’m trying to take down a suspect, it shouldn’t matter how I do it, as long as I do it.” He was getting a little worked up, and it was coming through in his voice. It was barely noticeable, mostly in his subvocals, Shepard assumed, but it didn’t seem like anger, per say. More like passion. “But C-Sec wants it done their way. Protocol and procedure come first. That’s why I left.”

“And here I thought it was my charming personality.” Shepard joked.

“Well, there’s that.” He fired back before sighing and continuing. “It didn’t start out bad, but as I rose through the ranks, I got saddled with more and more red tape.”

“I suppose I can understand that.” She responded, thinking of her own new responsibilities and the exponential increase in paperwork she was filling out now that she had her own ship to command.

“C-Sec’s handling of Saren was typical. I just couldn’t take it anymore. I hate leaving…”

“But you made the choice that was right for you. I can respect that, and anyone who doesn’t should be pitied. No one can do their best work helping others if you feel suffocated.”

“Exactly.” Garrus said, giving Shepard the turian equivalent of a smile. “That’s why I teamed up with you. It’s a chance for me to get off the Citadel, see how things are done outside C-Sec. And whether this ends up being my place or not, I plan to make the most of this. And without C-Sec headquarters looking over my shoulder, well, maybe I can get the job done my way for a change.”

“I’m always open to suggestions. But keep in mind, I’ll veto anything that seems too collateral damage-y.”

Garrus chuckled. “Thank you, Commander.”

Shepard sent a tight grin back to him and turned back to the elevator. Just one more team member she had to have a conversation with.

\---

After riding the semi-infuriatingly slow elevator, Shepard cut through the mess over to where Kaiden was standing and looking at… well, something. 

“Anything you need Commander?” He asked, a slight lilt to his voice which made Shepard pause. 

Recovering, she shrugged and said, “Just trying to get to know my crew.”

Kaiden seemed to tense at that. “Is this an official evaluation, Commander? Or off the record?”

Shepard looked around at the very open, very public space they were in. “This feel like an official anything to you, Alenko?” Kaiden furrowed his brows and Shepard sighed quietly. “Kaiden, when it’s just you and me, and I’m not taking notes, you can consider it off the record.”

“That’s a generous attitude.” Kaiden stated in a worryingly flirtatious tone. Shepard shrugged in response, inwardly figuring she could ignore the flirting until it either became a bigger problem or went away entirely. “Okay, I think there’s something wrong with all of this.”

“All of what, Lieutenant?” Shepard asked, feeling just a little on edge, worried that he too was concerned about Anderson being shuffled off and her taking over with no warning.

“This Saren is looking for records on some kind of galactic extinction. But we can’t get backup from the Council?” Shepard let out a breath she didn’t even know she was holding. “Sorry, Commander. There’s writing on the wall here, but someone isn’t reading it.”

Shepard cracked a grin at that. “And here I thought you were a company man.” Kaiden shifted backwards a hair, and Shepard realized he was not used to being teased by a commanding officer. She’d have to readjust. “Look, the Council just doesn’t want to believe anything’s wrong. It’s ridiculous, sure, but -” She cut herself off with a chuckle. “I’d call it human nature, except…” She trailed off.

Kaiden seemed to recover from the tease. Although, he may have overcorrected if his sudden shift in posture - this time leaning closer to her - was anything to judge by. “I hear ya.” Yeah, she could tell; she spotted the look in his eye. This was probably going to get worse before it would get better. “I-” He hesitated, then changed direction in his sentence, “it just seems like a group that’s been around as long as the Council should have seen this coming.”

“Yeah,” Shepard allowed, “you’d hope they would. And it sucks, but we gotta take what they’re willing to give us, even if that’s just the bare minimum.”

Kaiden nodded. “Sorry if I got too informal. Protocol wasn’t a big focus back in BAaT.”

“No worries.” She needed to figure out how to phrase this without giving him too much leeway, while still letting him know that protocol isn’t something she really cares that much about either. “You don’t need to hold your tongue with me, I prefer to get the honest appraisals of my crew, without the bullshit of formalities. As long as you can take a command, I’m not worried about you hiding your opinions.” She bit the inside of her cheek, hoping that he wouldn’t take that the wrong way. Even as she said it, she could hear how it could be misinterpreted. 

And it wasn’t that she wasn’t flattered by his attention; it always feels nice to be noticed. But she already has to fight to be respected in the galaxy for being a woman, and she doesn’t need that on her ship too. 

Kaiden opened his mouth to respond, but there was that look in his eye again, and suddenly Shepard didn’t actually want to hear his thoughts. So she changed the subject. “Sorry, you’re testing my history there. What’s BAaT?”

“Biotic Acclimation and Temperance.” He said that with a tone of total exasperation. Almost as if it was a chant that was drilled into his head and forced to say too many times to count. If he hadn’t also seemed so serious about it, Shepard would have laughed. “Although that name didn’t last past the airlock. To the kids they hauled in, it was ‘Brain Camp.’” He held up his hands in defense. “Sorry, ‘hauled in’ is unkind. We were ‘encouraged to commit to an evaluation of our abilities, so an understanding of biotics could be compiled.’” He used that tone again, the frustration of having to repeat something too many times.

He shrugged, but it seemed more forced than natural. “There are worse results of “accidental” exposure to element zero in the womb. Beats the brain tumors some kids grew up with.”

There was something in his tone that Shepard noted. “You doubt it was accidental? In general, or was there some question about how you were exposed?”

“My mother was downwind of a transport crash. It was before there were human biotics. Just a little after the discovery of the Martian ruins. So no, I’m not concerned about my exposure as such. It only gets iffy around ‘63 when Conatix was running out of first-gen subjects. Until then, they’d relied on accidentals.”

“Like you.”

Kaiden nodded, “Like me.” He sighed, and clarified his thoughts further. “Look, I’m not saying they intentionally detonated drives over our outposts. But in retrospect, they were damn quick on the scene. It was different back then, which I guess is a cliche, but it’s true. No one knew the potential or the risks, so there wasn’t a lot of regulation. Anything Conatix did was gold.”

There was a lot of frustration there. Shepard was no psychologist, but she had seen a lot of kids grow up from traumatic origins, and could read the signs pretty well. It was no wonder he was wary of organizations with little oversight. She couldn’t push; trauma was the sort of thing that should be freely discussed, not pulled out of someone, as Shepard knew from personal experience. But she could show Kaiden that she was interested in hearing about it, so he would know she was available if he decided to go into more detail. 

“So how’d you end up at, um, brain camp?”

“Same way as everyone else, I guess. Bunch of guys in suits show up at your door after school. Next thing you know, you’re out on jump zero.”

Shepard nodded. “There were a lot of you then? Kids, or students, or whatever?”

Kaiden chuckled at that. “Yeah, I wasn’t alone there. We had a little circle that would get together every night before lights out. Play cards or network games. There was no extranet hookup; they said it was to prevent leaks from the research going on, although it seemed to also prevent leaks about us.” Kaiden met her eyes quickly, then looked away again. “There was this girl named Rahna who had a little circle grow around her. She was from Turkey. Her family was very rich. But she was smart and charming as hell. Beautiful, but not stuck up about it.” He met her eyes again, and this time held her gaze. “Reminds me a bit of you, actually.”

Shepard brushed right past that. “Sounds like she was special to you.”

“She was.” He said carefully. “Maybe she felt the same but...things never fell together. Training. You know.”

Shepard nodded, although to be honest she really didn’t know. She’d only ever been in one actual relationship, and they had sort of fallen together before she joined the military. It had… ended seven years ago, but she had never felt the need to start something new, so she never had to deal with beginning a relationship with other responsibilities.

So she moved back to the larger subject. “Jump zero’s a long way from home. I’ve never been there, myself. What’s it like?”

Kaiden gave her a sardonic smile. “The grand gateway to humanity looks a lot better in the vids.” He shook his head quickly, like he was shaking thoughts out of his head. And off of his face if his suddenly neutral countenance was any indication. “But that’s my own baggage, Commander. No bearing on this.”

“That’s not true. Everything has a bearing on everything; but you don’t have to continue if you don’t want to.” Kaiden nodded, not removing his gaze from hers. “And Alenko, if you ever do want to talk about it, I’m here to listen. There’s no regulation that says you can’t be friends with your commander.” She’s not entirely sure if she stressed the word ‘friends’ but she thinks it’s entirely possible.

“I appreciate that, Commander.” He didn’t sound like he appreciated it, leading her to think that she definitely stressed it. “I just don’t want you to think I’m a-- a whiner. Besides, I’ve got my past squared away.”

“Talking about something that happened to you isn’t the same as whining.” She wanted to reach out, grab his upper arm the way she typically does when having a serious conversation. Something to ground the other person, to help to breed open communication and trust. But considering the feelings she is trying to avoid cultivating between them, she decided against it. “And on a personal level, no matter how much you think the past is in the past, you never know what events in the present will dreg something up for you. If that happens, let me know if there’s anything you need. Privacy, someone to talk to, a drink… whatever.”

“Thanks Commander.”

She nodded at him, smiling professionally, and turned to move on. She had talked to all of her ground team, building rapport with the people who’ll be covering her back in fire. But there is one more person with whom she needs to be able to trust her life. 

\---

Last but in no way least, Shepard made her way through the CIC and the bridge into the cockpit to officially meet her pilot. She opened her mouth to greet him, but apparently he either had very specific hearing or he had seen her coming because he started the conversation with “Commander. Something you need?”

She hesitated just a second. His brusk greeting threw her off, his tone different than it was before they had docked at the Citadel. She guessed it had something to do with her being his CO now instead of just another crewmember, and pushed forward.

“I like to know my crew.” She started, noticing how Joker shifted a bit, “Mind if I ask you a few questions?”

Joker visibly tensed. “I can see where this is going.” Shepard, who could not see where this was supposed to be going, raised an eyebrow. “You did a background check on me, didn’t you? Well, I’ll tell you the same thing I told the captain. You want me as your pilot. I’m not good. I’m not even great. I’m the best damn helmsman in the Alliance fleet!”

Shepard couldn’t help the small smile that graced her face as he continued. He didn't notice, too wrapped up in getting ahead of whatever he thought was coming. 

“Top of my class in flight school? I earned that. All those commendations in my file? I earned every single one. Those weren’t given to me as charity for my disease.” He seemed to run out of steam, his eyes finally refocusing on her as if daring her to speak.

Her grin widened. “I actually don’t read the files of my crew. Not until after I meet them anyway, I’d rather form judgements on the person, not just whatever it says on some paper.”

Joker seemed to visibly deflate. “You mean - You mean you didn’t know? Ah crap.”

Shepard shook her head. “Now that I do, do you want to try that again? Maybe explain to me what’s going on without immediately assuming anything?”

Joker winced, but he noticed that her smile was still in place and figured he couldn’t be in too much trouble. “Okay… I have Vrolik’s Syndrome. Brittle bone disease. My bones never developed properly. They’re basically hollow. Too much force and they’ll shatter. Even with crutches and my leg braces it’s hard to get around. One wrong step and CRACK! It’s very dramatic! But I’ve learned to manage my condition, Commander.”

He rolled his eyes and continued, “Put the Normandy in my hands and I’ll make her dance for you. Just don’t ask me to get up and dance, unless, you know, you like the sound of snapping shin bones.”

“Alright, thanks for letting me know.” Shepard nods once, the picture of professionalism, “Now, do you have an ETA on Therum?”

Joker stills. “That’s it?”

“Yeah.” responds the commander, the corner of her lip quirking up as she attempts to maintain the stature of a commanding officer. She never quite mastered that in the face of her crew, unless they were screwing up in some way. “Unless there’s more you want to tell me, that is.”

“No, it’s just... Not what I’m used to from a CO.” 

Shepard bites the inside of her cheek, nodding again. “Yeah, I get that, people are always ready to decide what you can’t do. But I figure you know yourself and your capabilities much more than I do, and you wouldn’t have gotten this posting if you couldn’t handle it. I trust you to monitor yourself; you don’t need me to doubt you.”

Joker turns back to face his console. This isn’t a reaction he’s ever gotten before, not even from his family, who’s always worried about him. “ETA’s about four hours, Commander.”

“Thank you.” Shepard responded, taking that response for what it was, an escape from what was rapidly becoming an emotional conversation. She knew he wanted her to leave so he could sort through what had just happened, maybe recategorize Shepard in his mind, but she couldn’t just leave things as they were. “And Joker,” She waited until she was sure she had his attention again, “if there’s anything you need, any accommodations that could be made, like lessening the walk to your bunk, maybe even moving it up a flight so you don’t have to use the stairs everyday, just let me know. I wouldn’t want anything to happen to the best damn helmsman in the Alliance fleet.”

Joker smiled, just a little, but didn’t respond. Shepard took one last look at him, the man who seemed to be forcing himself not to return the glance, and walked out of the bridge.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A new member joins the team to a ... warm-ish welcome.

Living up to her chosen name, Roxie shepharded her entire ground team, including her newest recruit, into the comm room.

They had just sat down, four of them a little worse for wear, but all completely safe, when Joker’s voice piped in over the speakers. “Too close, Commander. Ten more seconds and we would have been swimming in molten sulphur.” Shepard couldn’t help but smile, shaking her head slightly. “The Normandy isn’t equipped to land in exploding volcanoes. They tend to fry our sensors and melt our hull. Just for future reference.” A chuckle escaped her before she could stop it.

The rescuee of the latest mission seemed to have heard the chuckle and was none too pleased. “We almost died out there and your pilot is making jokes?” She was practically indignant, although glancing around, Shepard noted that the other crew members were neither surprised nor bothered. It was fine, Liara would learn.

Of course, that wasn’t going to stop her from defending him in the moment. Not only was she more than comfortable with jokes, what he said was actually funny. Not to mention tension relieving, which she assumed was his intention. “Joker pulled our asses out of there. I think he’s earned the right to a few bad jokes.”

There was still the barely noticeable crackle of a two-way open comm channel to the bridge, so she knew Joker was still listening, but he didn’t respond, so she assumed he wasn’t too offended by the judgement.

“I see.” Liara commented in a tone that clearly showed that she did not actually see. “It must be a human thing. I don’t have a lot of experience dealing with your species, Commander.” Lack of experience was fine, hell, it was mutual. But only as long as Liara showed she was willing to adapt. Fortunately, the doctor’s tone softened as she continued, and with it, Shepard’s guard lowered. “But, I am grateful to you. You saved my life back there. And not just from the volcano. Those geth would have killed me. Or dragged me off to Saren.”

Kaiden jumped in, questioning Liara, and Shepard leaned back in her seat, happy to let the conversation unfold. At the very least, she could learn more about how all of these different people were going to work together.

“What did Saren want with you? Do you know something about the Conduit?”

“Only that it was somehow connected to the Prothean extinction. That is my real area of expertise. I have spent the past fifty years trying to figure out what happened to them.” Shepard furrowed her brows, letting that sink in. It had been a very long time since she last believed in coincidences, and even then this information would have made her pause.

She was startled out of her train of thought by Ashley asking, “Fifty years? How old are you, exactly?”

“I hate to admit it,” Liara started, suddenly bashful, “but I am only a hundred and six.”

Shepard just barely heard Garrus mutter, “only” under his breath, and Ashley responded with “Damn! I hope I look that good when I’m your age.”

Wrex, Shepard noted, rolled his eyes in response to the doctor. She wondered how old he was, and filed the interesting race relations away in her head.

“A century may seem like a long time to a short-lived species like yours.” Liara replied, not a hint of malice in her voice, “But among the Asari, I am barely considered more than a child. That is why my research has not received the attention it deserves. Because of my youth, other asari scholars tend to dismiss my theories on what happened to the Protheans.” There was the malice. Interesting, another underestimated, underappreciated person joining her crew. It was like she was collecting them. To borrow an ancient Earth myth, it was like she was becoming the pied piper of the overlooked.

“Which is what, exactly?” Shepard chimed in.

Liara’s eyes lit up, and everyone in the room could tell that she was excited to be able to share her theories. Before she could start, though, Ashley interjected with, “The cliff notes version, please.”

The exact words may have been culture specific, but judging by the way Liara’s shoulders drooped a little, Shepard could tell the meaning got across. She'd have to have a talk with Williams about being a little more respectful and considerate to the other members of the crew.

“To shorten a half century of dedicated research, I’ll say that the most interesting part is what I did not turn up. There is remarkably little archeological evidence of the Protheans. And even less that might explain why they disappeared.”

Shepard figured she might know why they disappeared. But before she had a chance to mention anything, Garrus jumped in with a “What do you mean by that?”

Liara seemed to respond well to the question. “It is almost as if someone did not want the mystery solved. It’s like someone came along after the Protheans were gone and cleansed the galaxy of clues.”

“I don’t get it, how would you figure something like that out? I mean, we find prothean ruins all the time, don’t we?” Kaiden interjected.

Liara nodded eagerly. “Yes, but we only find structures. There is a significant lack of cultural information lingering around the galaxy. And it’s almost impossible to find anything that demonstrates an extinction level event that might have happened.”

Kaiden still looked confused, so Shepard tried her best to personalize the information, to make it easier to conceptualize. “I get it.” She started, “It’s like when I was a kid and we moved from one squat to another. It was always easy to tell when the building was moved out of and left to be abandoned, or whether people were chased out. When there was an outside force that emptied the place there was always debris left over from the life lived there. Dishes left behind, or furniture all shoved into one room.”

Shepard could feel all eyes on her. Kaiden was nodding, so at the very least her explanation seemed to be helpful, but just knowing that these people were also digesting the fact that she grew up homeless, even though that was public record, made her uncomfortable.

Fortunately, Liara took the attention off of her. “Exactly! And here is the incredible part. According to my findings, the Protheans were not the first galactic civilization to mysteriously vanish. This cycle began before them.”

Shepard’s thoughts lingered on the word cycle. She didn’t know if the word choice was intentional, but it made it sound like this extinction was practically… inevitable. So she asked for clarification.

“The galaxy is built on a cycle of extinction. Each time a great civilization rises up, it is suddenly and violently cast down. Only ruins survive. The Protheans rose up from a single world until their empire spanned the entire galaxy. Yet even they climbed to the top on the remains of those who came before. Their greatest achievements -- the mass relays and the Citadel -- are based on the technology of those who came before them.”

“Fascinating.” Tali blurted out. Shepard looked over at the young woman for the first time in the conversation, and saw her leaning forward in her seat, hands tucked under the bottom of her helmet.

“Yeah, sure, it’s plenty interesting. But how does any of this help us take down Saren?” Wrex grunted out.

“All information is helpful, especially considering this topic’s relation to the visions I got from that beacon.”

“Beacon?” Liara asked, perking up. “Visions? What are you talking about?”

Shepard raised a hand. “In a minute. Right now we should focus on what’s in front of us.”

“How so, Commander?” Garrus asked, shifting in his seat.  
Shepard thought for a moment. “Let’s just go over what we know.” She stood up and wandered over to lean against the holo-projector. “Tali, you came in with that geth recording. What can you tell us about the geth?”

“I doubt I can tell you anything you don’t already know. It’s been almost three centuries since they drove my people into exile. All I know is the story of their origins: what they were when we created them, and how they turned on us.”

“Tell us anyway. We are going to go over a lot of old information, but it’s better to have it fresh in our minds while we discuss the new stuff.”

Tali nodded. “The geth were originally created to serve as an automated manual labor force. Initially, their intelligence was as limited as any VI. Over time, we made small adjustments to their programming to allow them to perform more varied and complex tasks, bringing them closer and closer to true AI status.”

Kaiden chimed in, “Artificial intelligence is illegal. How come the Council didn’t step in and stop you?”

“This wasn’t true AI research;” Tali defended, “we may have been skirting the bounds of the law, but we never did anything that was actually illegal.” She glanced around the circle, her tone resting in the halfway point between pleading for understanding and demanding it. “The changes were so insignificant, so gradual, that we were able to control them.” She paused. “Or so we thought. But one thing we underestimated was the power of the neural network. A million geth thinking simultaneously created an inherently unstable matrix.”

“Neural network? What does that mean?” Garrus chimed in.

“And lose the tech speak, please.”Ashley added, not even trying to be polite. Shepard held back a groan and an eye roll. That conversation with Williams would have to be sooner rather than later.

Tali hesitated, sorting through her words for a second. “Many of the geth’s logic systems were designed to work in consult with other nearby geth. Basically, the more of them you have in a group, the smarter they are.”

“Great.” The sarcasm practically dripped off of Ashley’s voice.

“So they’re some sort of group consciousness?” Shepard asked, ignoring the comment from the peanut gallery.

“No, nothing like that. They cannot share sensory data or information. Their programming cannot handle that much simultaneous input. Each geth maintains an individual awareness and identity. The neural network only operates on a process-based level. It’s basically the synthetic equivalent of a subconscious. But when they’re in close proximity, they can coordinate low-level functional processes, freeing up more capacity for original or independent thought.”

“That doesn’t make any sense.” Wrex grumbled.

“I’m probably over-simplifying.” Tali allowed. “The geth are incredibly advanced and complex creations.”

“Why does that sound self-congratulatory.” Once again, Ashley’s comments went ignored by Shepard, who chose to move the conversation forward rather than deal with the rudeness in the moment. She’d bring it up later.

“So what do we need to know for tactics?”

Tali was gripping her hands together, fingers still, and Shepard could see she was angry, but the quarian managed to keep it out of her voice. “All you need to know is that they get smarter when they gather in large numbers.”

“Great. So, we try to pick them off in smaller groups. Makes sense to me, I prefer my fights a little more even anyway.” Garrus nodded in agreement with what Shepard was saying.

“Of course, this doesn’t tell us why they are working with Saren in the first place.” Tali continued.

“It can’t be a coincidence that a race of beings with artificial intelligence are helping Saren find information about The Reapers. They’re a race of sentient machines after all.” Shepard hypothesized.

Liara jumped on that. “The -- The Reapers? But I have never heard of -- How do you know that this is what Saren is looking for? What evidence do you have that they are connected to the extinction of the Protheans?”

“There was a damaged Prothean beacon on Eden Prime. It burned a vision into my brain. I’m still trying to sort out what it all means.”

“Visions? Yes...” Liara practically muttered, “that makes sense. The beacons were designed to transmit information directly into the mind of the user. Finding one that still works is extremely rare. And that would explain why the geth were sent to attack Eden Prime with such force. The chance to acquire a working beacon -- even a badly damaged one -- is worth almost any risk.”

Liara paused, seemingly weighing something over in her mind. “But the beacons were only programmed to interact with Prothean physiology. Whatever information you received would have been confused, unclear. I am amazed you were able to make sense of it at all. A lesser mind would have been utterly destroyed by the process. You must be remarkably strong-willed, Commander.”

Shepard saw Kaiden shift uncomfortably out of the corner of her eye and inwardly groaned. She was flattered, but she did not have the time to deal with one person developing feelings for her, let alone two. Not to mention the inevitable drama.

Drama that was clearly going to be an issue, as Kaiden interrupted with “This isn’t helping us find Saren. Or the Conduit.” At the very least the interruption saved Shepard from having to come up with a response to the compliment, which was something she did not want to do.

“Of course. You are right. I am sorry.” Shepard couldn’t read Liara’s carefully guarded tone which bothered her. Whether Liara had responded defensively or cordially would have been helpful information when determining how to handle this rapidly developing uncomfortable situation. “My scientific curiosity got the better of me.” Liara continued, to which Shepard felt her brows furrow, mildly insulted. “Unfortunately, I do not have any information that could help you find the Conduit. Or Saren.”

“Doesn’t matter to me. All that matters is Saren put you firmly in the ‘kill if she doesn’t help’ category, which tells me we’ll be a lot better off if we bring you along.”

Liara nodded and stood up to face her new CO. “Thank you, Commander. Saren might come after me again. I cannot think of anywhere safer than here on your ship. And my knowledge of the Protheans might be useful later on.”

“And her biotics will come in handy when the fighting starts.” Wrex added. Shepard looked over at him, scanning his face, but she didn’t have enough experience with him to be able to read him yet. It was interesting that he would say that though, that he would seemingly be so comfortable with her joining them in a fight before they could be one hundred percent sure of where her loyalties lie. 

But Wrex was plenty experienced, and for the most part Shepard trusted his instincts. If he thought she’d be useful in a fight, then she was inclined to agree. “Good to have you on the team, Liara.”

“Thank you, Commander. I am very gratef-- whoa.” she started to sway. “I am feeling a bit light-headed.”

Shepard reached out to grab her if needed, worried. “When was the last time you ate? Or slept? Dr. Chakwas should take a look at you.”

Liara nodded and Joker’s voice filtered through the speakers. “I’ll let her know you’re on your way. Dr. T’Soni.”

Shepard called out “Thanks, Joker.” before turning back to the asari. “I’ll come down and check on you after you’ve seen the doctor. The rest of you… dismissed!”

As the crew filed out, the comms opened again and Joker’s voice returned. “My mission reports are filed, Commander. You want me to patch you through to the Council?”

Shepard sighed, thinking about how they dismissed her thoughts without a care three times in a row last time they had spoken on the Citadel. But she knew she didn’t really have a choice, after all, technically she reported directly to them now.

She missed Anderson.

“Patch them through, Joker.” She didn’t even try to hide the dread in her voice, something Joker must have heard, as he let out a quiet chuckle.

“Setting up the link now, Commander.”

The conversation with the council went pretty much exactly as expected. The turian, Sparatus, was rude, and the other two were diplomatic… which is the diplomatic way of saying entirely useless. And then it was over. 

You’d think that for such a short conversation it wouldn’t have affected Shepard, but she felt heavier somehow. Worn down just by hearing how little they seemed to trust her decision making skills. They were the ones to make her a spectre and entrust the entire fate of the galaxy to her -- even if they don’t seem to think so -- so if anything, they should really be upset with themselves.

She ran her hand over her face, then cursed quietly when she saw the black on her fingers. Faster than light travel? Sure, the humans could figure that out no problem. But would it kill them to make an eyeliner that didn’t rub off so easily?

Shepard resigned herself to making a pit stop in the restroom to fix her face, and turned to head towards the medical bay to check on her new archeologist.

\---  
After a short conversation with Dr. Chakwas about her newest crew member’s medical condition, Shepard headed back to the storage room where apparently Liara was spending her time.

“Commander, are you coming to check up on me?”

She shrugged, “I was worried. You look much better now, how are you feeling?”

“Dr. Chakwas assures me I am going to be fine. She does want me to get my biotics looked at after being suspended in that field for so long.”

Shepard nodded, “Yeah, she told me that too. As soon as I know you’re ok I’m gonna have Joker swing us by the Citadel so you can get looked at.”

“I was impressed with her knowledge of asari physiology.”

Shepard smiled briefly at that, before letting her professional mask rise up again, “You’re in good hands. Dr. Chakwas knows what she’s doing.”

Liara looked down at her hands sheepishly, “I never properly thanked you for saving me from the geth, Commander. If you hadn’t shown up…”

With a brush of her hand through the air, the commander dismissed the sentiment. “Don’t mention it. I’m just glad we got there in time.”

“So am I.” She took a deep breath, as if she was gearing up for a hard conversation. “I know you took a chance bringing me aboard this ship. I have seen the way your crew looks at me. They do not trust me.” She glanced over Shepard’s face, looking for signs that this conversation was unwanted. Seeing nothing but calm and interest, Liara continued. “But I am not like Benezia. I will do whatever I can to help you stop Saren. I promise.”

Shepard nodded sharply. “I know.” She softened a little and continued, “Don’t worry Liara. My crew may not trust you yet, but they will. And I trust you. I know you won’t let me down.”

“It means a lot to hear you say that, Commander. Thank you.”

Shepard turned to leave, but hesitated. “I know that this is a lot. Learning that your mother is working with Saren, and joining the team determined to bring them to justice. I want you to know that if you ever need a break, or someone to talk to, I’m here.”

Liara looked startled at that, and Shepard supposed she could understand why. As a soldier who has made a career out of pure stubbornness and an uncanny ability to know just how far to push to break someone, she’s been wary of someone with familial ties to the enemy, and that wariness may have come across as coldness. But at the end of the day, Liara is a member of her crew now, and while the trust mentioned earlier may not have been entirely true, Shepard recognizes that it needs to be.

There’s only one way to build that trust, Shepard knows, and so she starts laying the groundwork. “Tell me about yourself, Liara.”

“Me?” Shepard nodded, letting a corner of her lips quirk up. “I am afraid I am not very interesting, Commander. I spend most of my time on remote digs, unearthing mundane items buried in long forgotten Prothean ruins.”

“Doesn’t sound so boring to me. In fact it sounds dangerous.” She paused, thinking about it, and then added, “and lonely.”

Liara seemed to consider that for a moment, pursing her lips and saying, “sometimes it could be. Occasionally I would run afoul of some indiginous lifeforms or a small band of mercenaries or privateers. But I was always careful, and until the geth followed me to Artemis Tau, I never found myself in a situation my biotics could not handle.”

The asari hesitated, shyly shuffling her feet for a moment. “And as for the solitude, well, that is one aspect that most appealed to me. Sometimes, I just need to get away from other people.”

Shepard nodded in understanding. “People come with their own opinions and expectations.” She glanced around the room. “There isn’t much privacy on board a military vessel, but you should stay relatively unbothered back here. And if you ever need more privacy, just let me know and you can borrow my cabin for a while. No one ever goes in there.” She winked, “The commanding officer’s quarters are the most avoided place in any military posting.”

Liara chuckled and Shepard grinned broadly. It was good to know that the almost dying being immediately followed by learning that your own mother sent the would-be killers wasn’t enough to keep Liara from laughing. Shepard gestured to Liara’s chair, letting her know she didn’t need to stand just because she wasn’t alone in the room, and Liara took a seat gratefully.

Leaning against the wall, Shepard asked, “So. Besides the lack of crowds, why archeology?”

Liara carefully considered her response. “I suppose it comes from being a Matriarch’s daughter. People expected me to follow in my mother’s footsteps.” Liara met Shepard’s gaze and realized that the human was not following her logic. “Matriarchs guide their followers into the future,” she explained, “they seek the truth of what is yet to come. Maybe that’s why I became so interested in the secrets of the past.” She looked down again with a shake of her head. “It sounds so foolish when I say it out loud. It sounds like I became an archeologist simply to spite Benezia.”

Shepard bit the inside of her cheek. “It’s not foolish.” She said quietly, then louder, “All children rebel against their parents…” with a laugh she added, “or so I’ve been told. It’s a natural part of growing up.”

Liara let out a dry ha, halfway between a chuckle and a scoff. “You share the wisdom of the Matriarch, Shepard. That is exactly what Benezia said when I told her of my decision.” Shepard pursed her lips at that, not overly thrilled at having similar opinions of someone drafted by the enemy.

Partly to move away from that troubling thought, and partly because Shepard has never been able to stop an analysis before it comes to its natural conclusion, she added “Although, I’m not overly sure that the past and the future are opposites. In fact, looking into the distant past may be exactly what we need in order to ensure our future is successful. The protheans are all gone now, looking into them might be exactly what we need to keep ourselves from meeting a similar fate.”

Liara smiled, the first genuine smile Shepard had seen on the blue face. “You’re right.” she said, the gentleness of the smile bleeding into her bright eyes before she sighed and continued. “But there was more to it than that. I felt drawn to the past. The protheans were these wondrous, mysterious figures. I wanted to know everything about them.”

“Sure. People who had no expectations of you. People so removed from your sphere, from our galaxy, that there was no risk in studying them.”

“I don't know about that.” Liara said, gentleness returning. “Maybe that might have been true in the past, but certainly not anymore. That’s why I find you so fascinating. You were marked by the beacon on Eden Prime, you were touched by working Prothean technology.”

The commander quirked up an eyebrow, intentionally keeping a straight face. “Sounds like you want to dissect me in a lab somewhere.”

Those same bright blue eyes widened to an almost comical extent and Shepard almost lost hold of her expression. “What? No! I did not mean to insinuate-- Ah, I never meant to offend you, Shepard. I only meant that you would be an interesting specimen for in-depth study. No--that’s even worse!”

She couldn’t help it any longer, Shepard burst into laughter. “Relax!” She said in between steadying breaths. “I was only joking.”

Liara moved a hand up to grip her cheek, and Shepard wondered if Asari were able to blush. “Joking? Oh, by the Goddess! How could I be so dense? You must think I am a complete and utter fool.” Shepard shook her head, still smiling. “Now you know why I prefer to spend my time in the field with data disks and computers. I always seem to say something embarrassing in front of other people.” She took a breath and met the commander’s eyes, a pitiable expression across her face. “Please… just pretend this conversation never happened.”

Shepard chuckled, “No can do, Doc. Besides, I don’t think you said anything to be ashamed of. Just relax around me, and the rest of the crew too, to different extents, and you’ll be fine.” A thought struck her, “And maybe avoid Joker until you’re more comfortable being teased, that man doesn’t say anything serious if he can help it.”

Liara nodded earnestly, thinking back to his comment over comms during the post-Therum meeting. “I will keep that in mind when I speak with him.” 

“I’m going to go get us on the road to the Citadel. Get yourself settled, and let me know if there is anything you need.” She swallowed and then broached the heavier subject. “Once you’re set up, let me know. If you’re willing, I’d like to talk to you about your mother.”

Liara sighed slightly, “Of course, Commander. I’ll tell you anything you want to know. I understand the importance here.”

Shepard reached out and laid a comforting hand on Liara’s upper arm, squeezing gently once and then letting her arm fall back to her side. “Welcome aboard Dr T’Soni. It’s good to have you here.”

“Thank you Shepard.” Came the asari’s reply as Shepard walked back out of the storage room and, with a nod to Dr. Chakwas, out of the med bay.

\---

Shepard made her rounds, checking in on her other crewmembers and getting their opinion on what went down on Therum, and then walked into the bridge to thank Joker for coming down to get them during a volcanic eruption.

Of course, in true Joker style, he started the conversation as soon as she walked through the archway. 

“I prefer gold to silver. You know, for my medal. I figured you’d recommend me for one since I pulled your, uh” He ran his eyes over her, from head to toe, “boots from the fire.”

Shepard walked up to stand next to him so he wouldn’t have to crane his neck anymore to see her and rolled her eyes, smiling. “You sure you want that? If we present you with a medal, you’ll end up on stage listening to politicians make speeches for a couple hours.”

“That’s a good point.” He responds, matching her grin. “They’d probably make me shave, too. I spent the last seven weeks working on this baby.” He rubbed his chin thoughtfully. “No medal’s worth that.”

She laughed. “Oh, god forbid you be forced to follow Alliance regs on your facial hair.”

“So, Commander, why don’t you tell me why you’re really here?” He said, decidedly ignoring the light feeling he got in his chest when she laughed. 

“Surprisingly enough, I did come up here to thank you. We’d be melted if you hadn’t gotten us out of there, and I figured you’d appreciate the appreciation.”

“Oh.” He responded, not actually sure how to handle that. “No problem. I mean, I wouldn’t make a habit of hanging out in currently exploding volcanoes, but I got your back.”

She smiled gently. “I also never got the chance to ask you about our girl here.” She stroked the wall of the cockpit. “How’s the Normandy performing? Is she everything they said she’d be?”

“She’s the best ship in the fleet...” Shepard wasn’t sure if she was imagining the pride in his voice when he said that, but she wouldn’t be surprised if it was really there. “...if you have a pilot who knows how to handle her.”

“Oh?” Shepard said, amused.

“The balance isn’t what you’d expect. Takes a while to get used to that oversized drive core we got stuffed in the back. Her power can sneak up on you if you’re not careful.” He moved his eyes over the woman standing next to him before he could help it and tried not to think of how his description could be applied to her… a part of him wondered if she needed a pilot who knew how to handle her. He shut that part of himself down real quick and forced himself to focus on the ship. He had a better chance of getting with the Normandy herself anyway.

“The Normandy’s probably too much for your average Alliance pilot, Commander. Lucky for you, I’m anything but average.”

She chuckled. “Lucky me is right. Lucky I have a pilot with enough of a death wish to steal the best ship in the Alliance only to drive it into an exploding volcano just to save me.” Her countenance shifted into something more serious and she moved her hand to grip Joker’s shoulder gently. “I mean it. Jokes aside, you saved us down there. We are very lucky to have you as our pilot.” She pauses. “I’m lucky.”

He breaks away from her gaze and clears his throat. “Yeah, well.” He wasn’t really sure where he was going with that sentence, but fortunately Shepard didn’t let him stumble over it for long. 

“We’re headed back to the Citadel. Udina needs me to check in with him personally,” she rolled her eyes dramatically before continuing, “and Liara could use some more medical care than we can provide on board. Chakwas is amazing, but limited by the weight capacity of a ship.” She noted Joker’s confusion, “Liara was suspended in a biotic field for a good while and Chakwas doesn’t have the correct machinery to make sure there’s no lingering effects on her own biotics. Dr. Michel down in the wards will be able to help.”

“Alright, Commander. I’ll get us there.” He moved to key in the correct coordinates and calculations to move them back to the Citadel. 

“I know.” She said, humor coloring her voice, while starting to move away from him. “You’re anything but average, afterall.” 

He still felt her touch on his shoulder hours after she left him alone.

\---

Shepard knew that Udina was waiting on her to meet him in his office to discuss her Therum mission, and she also knew that he was not one who would ever be described as a patient person, so she took a special sort of pride in deciding to escort Liara to Dr. Michel before making her way to the Embassies.

Anderson wasn’t there when she finally did head to Udina, which was a shame in part because she really wanted to talk to him, and in a bigger part because she liked to have someone with her when she spoke to Udina, someone she could make eye contact with whenever he said something particularly ridiculous or self serving, which happened… often.

When Shepard made her way back to the Normandy, she hailed Anderson to ask him to come on board and speak to her when he got a chance. 

He came by an hour later without even responding, so she was surprised when he strolled into her… his… her quarters.

“Shepard.” He said by way of greeting.

She stood immediately, snapping off a salute out of sheer habit before reaching out to shake his hand. He chuckled as he returned the gesture.

“You know, technically now that you’re a Spectre, you don’t have to salute me anymore.”

Roxie shook her head, smiling. “Doesn’t matter. The day I don’t feel the need to salute you any more is the day I retire from service.”

Anderson gestured for her to take a seat while doing so himself. “I hate to be the one to break it to you Commander, but I don’t think you’ll ever retire. You’re too much like me.”

Shepard grimaced. “You’re probably right. Speaking of, how are you holding up?”

Anderson sighed. “Honestly? This isn’t how I pictured my career coming to an end. Pushing papers really isn’t my thing. But I believe in you and your ability to stop Saren. If that means I have to step aside, so be it.”

Shepard was touched by the amount of faith he seemed to have in her. He had been there for her throughout her entire military career, having been one of her first commanding officers, and being the one to nominate her for N7. He had seen her at her lowest, after the battle of Elysium had shaken her confidence and turned her whole world upside down, and he had been there on the shuttle picking her up after her passing the N7 prerequisite survival exam.

So watching him still so proud of her, still so sure of her ability, even after she caused him to be quietly shuffled off… it meant more to her than she could say. So, in true Shepard fashion, she ignored it completely.

“I wanted to talk to you about my newest crew member.”

“Dr. T’Soni. I read your mission reports, seemed like you got to her just in time.”

Shepard shrugged. “That happens to me pretty often, getting places at just the right time is sorta like my superpower.” Anderson chuckled again. “And yes, I’m talking about T’Soni.”

Shepard hesitated, trying to collect her thoughts in a way that would make sense to someone else. Anderson watched her, waiting patiently.

“Liara is an expert not only on Prothean artifacts and ruins, but also on their extinction. She had evidence, or maybe a lack of evidence… It was confusing, but she said that extinction level events have happened many times, practically on a schedule.

“And I just can’t ignore that when thinking about how it’s her mother that’s working with Saren.”

Anderson leaned forward and lowered his voice. “Do you think Liara could be working with Saren as well?”

Shepard thought over her earlier conversations with the doctor. “No, I don’t think so. But what are the odds that Saren would find an asari who agreed with his ideas, who was willing to work with the geth, and whose daughter has that experience?”

Anderson nodded, contemplating. “So what are you thinking?”

“I’m not sure. That’s why I wanted to talk to you about it. I mean, by the way the Asari councilor reacted to hearing Matriarch Benezia’s voice on that recording, it seemed like a surprise. Practically a betrayal. And Benezia’s well known. I looked her up, she’s got a hell of a service record for the betterment of her species, and then this? Something just doesn’t add up here.”

Anderson nodded, considering. “Do you think Saren might have something on Benezia, something that would force her to work with him?”

Shepard scrunched her face, “Maybe. But then, what would it be? I mean, we have her daughter, and to be honest, it didn’t really look like Saren was that hell-bent on taking her in alive.”

“If anyone would know what Benezia prizes most…”

“It would be Liara.” Shepard agreed, finishing her old CO’s sentence. “But I don’t want to push her too much too fast. If I start questioning her too much about her mother, she won’t trust that she has a solid place on my team, and I can’t have anyone with me who doesn’t feel wanted. That breeds disloyalty.” Shepard considered her words, and softened her tone. “Besides, I actually do want Liara to feel like she has a home here with us. This can’t be easy, knowing you’re on opposite sides from your mother, no matter how strained the relationship.” 

Shepard raked her eyes over Anderson’s face as he thought about their conversation. She had never known her parents, having been tossed away as a baby. But that didn’t mean she didn’t have parental figures. First the oldest of the children she’d banded with on the streets, then the Rabbi who’d found them squatting in the synagogue basement and instead of turning them over to the cops or kicking them out, he’d given them food and a safe place to rest when they needed one… and then him. David Anderson, the first commanding officer who looked at her and saw not just some homeless earthborn girl, but a real soldier with potential.

She couldn’t imagine having to stand opposed to him. Couldn’t imagine having to look down the barrel of a gun at the man who had raised her up, slapped an N7 on her shoulder, and told her she was good enough.

She’d need to ask Chakwas to keep an eye on Liara’s mental state. It isn’t exactly in the medical doctor's scope of practice, but Chakwas had been around long enough to be able to recognize signs of something troubling.

And Shepard would have to be extra sure to provide Liara with moral and emotional support. The asari was still young (although it was hard for Shepard to wrap her mind around the fact that 106 is young) and had very limited experience with traumas like this one. She’d need someone by her side, someone she knew she could rely on. And Shepard was more than happy to pick up that mantle.

“Well,” Anderson started, knocking Shepard back into the present moment, “You’ve raised some good questions. I’ll see what I can dig up on the Citadel; I have some contacts high up in Asari society who might be able to shed a little light on the situation. You gently try to get some info from Liara, and stay in contact with me.”

Shepard nodded, “I’ll set up a secure line for intel, two way.”

Anderson considered for a moment, then shook his head. “Make it three. I’ll talk to Admiral Hackett, he might be able to help us.” He stood up, and Shepard did as well, straightening her posture out of habit. Anderson just chuckled.

“I’m not your CO anymore, Roxie, remember? You’re a Spectre now. No matter what your rank is in the Alliance, at this point you can consider me a peer.”

Shepard saluted him, form perfect and yet somehow still dripping with sarcasm “Never gonna happen, sir.” Anderson let out a real laugh at that.

“Good luck, Commander. And keep that line of communication open. You don’t have to fly all the way back here just to talk to me.” He turned and started to walk out of the cabin. “Although, Udina probably feels differently.” He turned back to face her, “Sorry I wasn’t there for your meeting by the way, I’ll try to make it next time, to give you some support.”

“I appreciate that, Captain.” She watched him walk out of the cabin. He didn’t even look around, just strided right out the door with purpose, which made her feel a little better about the whole situation. After all, the last time he had been in that room, it had belonged to him.

The door slid closed and Shepard situated herself back at her computer screen. Pretty soon, Liara would be back on board and they could hit the sky and head to whatever is next. 

She lifted her arm and pulled up her omni screen. After the third person who stopped her on the citadel and asked for a favor, she had started keeping a list of all of these little errands. She figured she might as well deal with the people Helena Blake not-so-subtly asked her to get rid of, and stood to go punch in the destination in the Han system up at the galaxy map.


End file.
